NEXT HALLOWEEN

NEXT HALLOWEEN

Dick Lighthouses

haha Brendan's mom loves lighthouses.

Author in a Half-Shell

Turd

me: shahzah

gary: yesm

wow, the thought of being here for another 8 hours

makes

me

me: type.

gary: SICK

2:17 PM me: DANGEROUS TO MYSELF

SUICIDAL

EGGPLANT

gary: bubbly

me: HARDENED

COLD

BLACK

2:18 PM FUNGICIDAL

gary: facial serum

2:19 PM me: pedestrian waste product

2:20 PM corn parfait

2:21 PM gary: hmm, i'm hungry

maybe i'll take my hour lunch

me: well if u ever have off on a friday (duh) my parents do a sophisticate fish fry usually, and even if u get a corn salad, it would be fun if u came.

2:26 PM gary: Definitely! I'm down for that

2:27 PM me: sweet. well this friday my parents are leaving til tues. so party at my house!

gary: YEAH!!!!

me: how do u like THEM crab cakes??

2:28 PM gary: just like I like my stool samples, battered, fried, and plenty of corn chunks.

me: i think that was the most hilarious thing you have EVER said

2:29 PM lolololookj;iou;lol

gary: lol battered stool

2:30 PM Two all-stool samples, special sauce,

LOL

we gotta make a fast food commercial

WTF?! Where is my web fame?!

2:31 PM me: tonight we are offering our freshest and most eclectic selection of premium stool, battered and deep fried in a vat of the sickest toilet bowl, dredged in a compliation of our filthiest herbs and spices, and prepared to your parasitic specifications.

gary: LOLOL

2:32 PM dredged

Premium Stool fresh off the Somali coast

me: lol

2:34 PM Excuse me miss, there's a fly in my stool.

thats so filthy!

i always used to wonder..

gary: yeah, pretty sick

2:35 PM me: how much money i would accept in order to eat a turd

literally.

gary: i'd probably do it for $25,000

and a years supply of elephant anti-biotics

me: hmm, see the problem is that i stil can't decide. what will i do if that ever happens? i'll be paralyzed by fear

of the great unknown

2:36 PM gary: LOLOLOL

me: im pretty sure, this is something i never considered til now, but im pretty sure that we should factor in the medical expense of expelling parasites...

so maybe like 50,000

it will take some serious calculations.

on your part

2:37 PM gary: WTF?! We need to write some sort of girl-coming-into-womanhood story. And that situation is where she stands at the crossroads.

drawbridge

2:38 PM me: to eat the turd, or to remain a girl forever

never flower into a beautiful woman

like interview with the vampires

2:39 PM gary: LOL YEAH!

enraged by her inability to eat feces

she ventures out

me: into the vast world of prostiution

child

prostitution

gary: seeking browner pastures

ladden with

2:40 PM corn

2:42 PM me: seriously, that's a good call tho. we could totally do that. it would be SO JACKED UP

2:43 PM gary: yeah, we'd definitely get some form of internation acclaim/ death threats.

international*

me: audit

gary: fecal audit probe

2:44 PM

me: seriously

this

might

work

gary: this

me: you will be gary

gary: is

me: SICK@!

gary: pErFECT

me: oh

of course

2:46 PM gary: I'll be Gary

me: so when r we gonna shoot it, because um, you like, work all the fn time

gary: Yeah, pretty embarrassing.

how bout this friday

me: perfect.

we can do it at work too

because my dad wont be here.

it's gonna be ballin.

you bring the turd

2:47 PM gary: we can use your parents' prized fecal collectors edition for props

me: we can make something to look like turd. and then at the last shot, we eat it. and the credits will show everyone involved eating it

gary: LOL YEAH!

Dark chocolate

mixed with corn

2:49 PM me: and sawdust

gary: lol sick

me: plant fertilizer

fly swatters

gary: scabs

EW!

me: dude, we should just tape the sickest shit ever. like there are so many of those half dead flies in the warehouse...

2:50 PM gary: lol YEAH! Ren & Stimpy True Life

me: seriuosly, woody has been sitting at the window all afternoon. chris is supposed to take him out and play, but he HASNT

2:51 PM gary: just cut his brake-lines

that'll teach'em

2:53 PM you should meet me in men. falls on my lunch break, after you're done w/ work? interested? Email me at flavoured_stool@foof.industries.com

2:54 PM me: yeah ok

perhaps. u gots some cc?

gary: ah man, sure don't

F!!!!!!!!!

that's

2:55 PM a might rotten stool sample, if i ever saw one

2:56 PM me: i can be at ur work at 430

or 5

gary: that's cool

or we can meet in men falls if you don't want to drive all the way out

2:57 PM you don't have to of course, if you're busy

me: yeah thats good. so i will text u after work and tell u the time

gary: Excellente

Grande Stool Portfolio

3:01 PM me: grand stool empress

3:03 PM gary: lol

3:04 PM okay fool, then just send me a text. I'll be waiting, clenched stool.

3:05 PM me: my tort is outside.

contemplating automobiles i think

gary: lol

so vastly intelligent

3:06 PM yet collapsable

Your Mother Sells Quality Term Rat Insurance

Gary: so, now what?

me: what is up balla

Gary: not much

just got in to work

me: i wish u would get off work early.

1:28 PM Gary: yeah, for real

me: bc im already thinking- wtf am i gonna do the rest of the day

Gary: when are your parents leaving for kazakistan?

1:29 PM me: tomorow morning.

Gary: well i'm off work tomorrow. do you have to work?

1:30 PM me: yeah i guess, if thats what u call it

we're filming tomorow. right??

Gary: yes'm

1:31 PM It's gonna be

AWESOME!

me: SICK!

yeah dude.

im pumped. so u better map this shiz out

Gary: Yes, sickeningly awesome

me: so we can film effectively

MAP!

Gary: disestablishmentarianism

yeah, i know big words

1:32 PM me: loud noises

!

Gary: lol

1:33 PM Honeybees navigate by using the sun as a compass

me: your mother laughs out loud

Gary: And your mother is a fuedal lord

1:34 PM me: and your mother is a hamster ball salesman

Gary: And your mother sells quality term rat insurance.

1:35 PM me: lol

and your mother qualifies for federal varmint aid

1:36 PM Gary: agreed. so no what?

now*

1:37 PM how now brown cow

me: unique new your

K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so did chris call you this mon ring

1:38 PM Gary: I spoke w/ his mouth less than an hour ago. He's fine, and I can really understand what he's saying. So I felt pretty good about it.

1:39 PM Come to find out, there was a worm living in the bump they removed.

me: WTF

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!

!!!!11

!!!!!11

is that a joke....

Gary: just kidding. no worms. But it would've been really sickening if it were the case.

me: i didnt knwo they removed any worms. why??

1:40 PM was he eating feces again?

Gary: lol

yes

1:51 PM me: yes

Gary: We should waterboard chris tomorrow for one of our videos.

1:52 PM LOL YEAH!!!!!!!!

me: DUDE!!!!!!!!!!

THAT is SOOOOOOOOOOO hilarious. i can't even believe it. that's a GOOD ASS IDEA!

1:55 PM Gary: lol for real, that would be timeless

me: perfect

Gary: a masterpiece

1:56 PM a time honored tradition

LOL

1:57 PM So why dontcha come on down, der hey. To Gary and Leslie's waterboard emporium.

We got oak

poplar

cedar

and even the brazilian nut wood waterboards. Anything to suit your waterboarding needs

1:59 PM We employee master amish wagon makers to make all of our waterboards.

2:01 PM (Cut to image of family waterboarding Chris)

(Children laughing)

2:02 PM So whether you've caught yourself a terrorist infidel

or ya jest wanna teach that rascaly neighbor kid a lesson...

2:04 PM Gary and Leslie's Waterboard Emporium has all of your waterboard needs. And with any purchase of a Amishman brand waterboard, you'll receive a complimentary rusty bear trap.

FIVE SICKENING HOURS

this weekend is the weekend of foolish games. it is the party of jesse. mike has offered 100$ to my ticket of plane so that i may board a flying vessel and meet and greet a wisconsin rickshaw. what say you? will you be available for full facial probing? or should i pass the opportunity to spend 126$ of my own dollars? i do think i should vacate the brendan premises. this is yaweh's way of saying- here is your opportunity for full lo-carb meltdown, make it your bitch. i dont want to travel the five sickening hours on a plane next to some young canadian mountie with a mouthfull of stale beef jerkey and moths. some dead, some alive. but i do want to arrive to see my friends who tried to make me take a bus. make them pay. pay if frothward. frothward bound. i wanted to spend the time with brendan, but at the same time, i think i want to say to him- look, i have a life. well, at least, i am desperately trying to look like i have a life, and i will continue to do so. even if costs me all the money in someone else's bank account. even if costs me all the money from my credit lenders. even if i have to sell my soul to the devil himself, i am going to get home to see my eight year old son. KEVIN!!! mom?? anyways, i am emailing you because i want you to call me me. i think your phone pushes messages, pushes em real good. so call me back at my work number: 850-607-6867. PLEASE. DO. IT. TODAY. for your free copy of a picture of an unwashed homeless girl named Vicki who desperately needs food, shelter, hand written letters in american english providing hope and encouragement, empty promise, false hope, disease, malaria, cokeacola.