You ever have those days when you feel stewpider than everyone you meet? Like, damn, I didn't go to an ivy league school, and I don't have my own million dollar firm. And then you realize that into the night you're actually not as stewpid as they/you thought. Then you start thinking you're really quite intelligent. Then you start thinking you're good looking and intelligent. Then you become lonely, because nobody can ever meet your standards, and you curl up in the fetal position and crap yourself? Well, this happened to me last night. Except, instead of the fetal position, I did a back bend and crapped in my own mouth.

(I just found this written on my computer, and I'm not quite sure what to make of it...but I think there just might be something to it.)

Men of Great Ignance

GaryFOOF: SKAT

LeslieChallenged: that smells

8:07 PM even i smell like skat. beebop shoowop

GaryFOOF: When was the last time u spoke with Jwarlock? Is he still ignant?

8:08 PM LeslieChallenged: ignant? well, im not quite sure what that means, but i will assume it means retarted

the last time i talked to him was the time i told him to GET THE FACK OUT OF MY CAR!!!!!!!!!

i guesss that's not really funny

8:09 PM GaryFOOF: Haha, it is

LeslieChallenged: what forth doth thine implore

8:10 PM GaryFOOF: Just thinkin about him. Your boys are gone! Find a new one. NOW!!!

LeslieChallenged: god i know.

but im too busy...doing...some things.

makin...stuff

8:11 PM ya know, i felt like i was on sex and the city last night. except i was at walmart...erg...but the feeling was still the same.: wow! it was totally obvious im single just by the tiny basket and the goods in it

8:14 PM ok, this is totally off, well, pretty much everything anywhere, but im kinda most interested in thine fabled Portico Zavel

8:18 PM GaryFOOF: Oh baby. Yeah, I LOVE being on my own. So freeing

8:19 PM LeslieChallenged: wait...but...thats not the point...at all

8:22 PM GaryFOOF: Oh

Well, it's my point.

LeslieChallenged: detard

jk

GaryFOOF: The greatest jew of all

So...

8:23 PM K

8:24 PM LeslieChallenged: so

didnt you HEAR ME?

check one- yes or no. did you ever think he was hot?

8:25 PM GaryFOOF: Huh?

Oh

Um, I can't put a crust with the face trot

LeslieChallenged: hahah

GaryFOOF: So who's to say?

Mountainjew

A jew good men

8:39 PM LeslieChallenged: the men who stare at jews

8:40 PM GaryFOOF: Lol sick, what is that about?

LeslieChallenged: i dont know. it just came out, jewlock

GaryFOOF: I just saw some shiz ad on the dubya dubya dubya dot com

8:43 PM LeslieChallenged: ok

GaryFOOF: K

LeslieChallenged: how are u and Jorey Jore

GaryFOOF: He's got a pretty fancy cap

8:47 PM The fanciest of them all

We're ghey

Hahahaha

LeslieChallenged: hhahahhha

YEAH

GHEYAH

GaryFOOF: No, actually he just called me to let me know that he passed his last class with flying colors!

8:48 PM LeslieChallenged: well praise the good lord

the mexican lord

GaryFOOF: Indeed

He busted his ghey azz

8:49 PM Oh

I mean

LeslieChallenged: good

GaryFOOF: K

LeslieChallenged: well now what

ya know

GaryFOOF: Now he settles into old age

Hahahaha

LeslieChallenged: for really

GaryFOOF: No, he's off to pursue his hobbies

LeslieChallenged: like

GaryFOOF: Hopefully for financial gain

8:50 PM LeslieChallenged: what hobbies

8:51 PM GaryFOOF: Singing, script writting, just things he really enjoys doing. Just relax for a bit, figure it out along the way

Gheywardly

8:52 PM LeslieChallenged: well...ok

i guess.

we all like to do that of course.

8:53 PM and im glad he finished, and he deserves for a bit to do gheyward activities. since he finished n all

8:57 PM GaryFOOF: Right, don't get me wrong. I've asked the same question. What are you plans? He says he has them. I tust.

Quite literally

8:58 PM He just needs to hurry his azz up

Flip some flapjacks

Cracklin on the grill

Your mother met Smokey robinson once

8:59 PM K

Ty

Flag Man

Every town has them, crazies. In Hartford, Wisconsin, where I grew up, there was, and still is, a 400 pound Native American-looking woman, Veronica, who I consider Hartford's finest. She would come to the pool every day where I worked just to hang out to the teenage lifeguards. She would talk to them continuously about how she was on a new diet, covering topics from what she already ate that morning, to what she planned to eat as soon as her son got back from the concession stand. Yes, she had a teenage son, and when their powers combined- I am Super Water Displacement! Her son was also fatter than your average minivan, and although he probably wasn't...er...handicapped, I'm sure he must have been in all the special-ed classes. I suppose that's what a crankshaft compulsive eating habit, live in the dark, antisocial upbringing will do to you. Weird as hell. So the two of them would have their fun, annoying anyone and everyone who crossed their poor forelorn paths, and when the pool would close in the evening, the two of them would get into their rusted out purple Buick with plastic Wal-Mart spinners and drive off into the sunset.

The Hartford pool has a good, long list of mentionables, which I can get to another time. And I won't get into the old guy from Hartford that rides his bike around all day smoking cigars. All day. Never stops pedaling, never runs out of fine convenient store tobacco.

And here's one that has national acclaim, go ahead, see for yourself.

I used to live in Chicago, and there was a man who built a real working puppet show and mounted it to his bike and drove around Lincoln Park and other downtownish areas long after dark, and only in the dark, running the shows. People would talk about it from time to time on the radio, but I SAW IT! I saw it before I knew of his reputation, and that shiz was crazy.

And finally, arriving at today's inspiration, I may be the first person to be explaining this guy in the picture. Pensacola, Florida, man in Coke bottle glasses, blaze orange construction vest, head phones, and a stick mounted with two small American flags that look like they've been extracted from a graveyard. I've seen him on three different highways, holding his stick in front of him, literally galloping through traffic, one foot in front of the other, and never changing his hop-step. I don't know who let him out, but his patriotism gets me every time.

Let us not forget about the shipwrecked shrimpin' boat cap'n who's rigged his bicycle up to a lawnmower engine, and noisily rides about town in his white and gold emblem captain hat, his hairy white chest exposed to the salty sea wind through his blue Hawaiian shirt, and his long white beard flapping in the wind. He carries a pizza box on the front basket of his bike, which makes him look legit.

Not in this Particular Order

A Recipe for Paki Success

Ok, here's something slightly less nonsensical.

In between, a little bit lost, almost shipwhacked.

But who wants to hear about my hoss loss?

Nobody that I can think of. But even if I could,

and even if they would,

they would just waste my brain strain.

And then where would we be? Everyone a little stewpider for the pickin'.

That's when Obama sweeps in.

So you see what I've caused? Communism. Well, gee, that's great.

So give it some time, take my own jewlogged words of wiscram, put 'em in a box similar to the one where Balloon Boy was found, shake it vigorously, refrigerate overnight, and then look inside.

And you'll see what we find is

a big steaming ball of turkey by-product

and well, er,

boredumb.

A Few of My Favorite Things

"If you're not nice, Santa will leave a Mongolian in your stocking" -Tony Marzucco

"I jewed it up again" -Jarhole Shahzizhallah

"These Norwalks just ain't up to the mog" -Jarflap Shalala

"We'd have to dump him off in the city, never to barnlog him again" - me about Corey

BACKCHAT

GaryFOOF: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

me: yo

3:21 PM where are u im bored

GaryFOOF: at work, talking w/ imbecile mechanics

me: well give it a rest

3:22 PM thats enuf!

GaryFOOF: Yeah, just finished, praise allahuakbar

me: i hear ya brotha

im gonna foof this jant

3:23 PM GaryFOOF: DAMNATION!!! I wish I had a whag's worth. But I sold it to orphan annie.

me: jhhaha

i tell you

3:24 PM GaryFOOF: LOL, tell it to the mounatin! How have you been? How is Tomer's wang tang clan?

3:26 PM me: oh its fine. how are YOU

3:27 PM GaryFOOF: Fine, manically depressed, as my body resembles that of a 12 year old vietnamese school girl.

me: oh thats too bad

when

r u

coming to my

3:28 PM crab

shack

snacksack

3:29 PM backchat

GaryFOOF: F! I can't decide on a date. I'm nervous about interferring with me ol school. Should I come at the end of this month?

me: idk

idcare.just make is snappy

3:30 PM slappy

decide

buy

buy

buy

GaryFOOF: LOL

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY

me: investigate which days will cost you less government cheese

GaryFOOF: Yeah, I suppose. Okay, I shall, and it was good.

3:31 PM me: hurry?

the beach

the

uh

alambamans

the

armadillas

the

floor space

GaryFOOF: LOL more alambaminians watch news channel 7

3:32 PM me: hahah

liked aboriginies

alabamavan

get in one today

GaryFOOF: God I miss you. I instantly feel gratification after speaking with thine shallot.

3:33 PM me: gosh Garivan, i dont know what to type

GaryFOOF: Nor do I, I'm at a loss of gas.

3:34 PM How is your swedish meatball?

me: well, i'm thinking about getting metal legs. it's a risky operation, but it'll be worth it..

GaryFOOF: LOLOL

LMAO

3:35 PM LOL done

me: stop

what if we typed

stop

like

stop

this

stop

what if we talked like this

GaryFOOF: How is thine putrid corn wash

stop

3:36 PM me: 01.101.111.001.101.

stop

GaryFOOF: LOL, that'd be sweeter than swedish k-bop

me: greath

i can HEAR you screaming

GaryFOOF: LOL

me: in my head. when i read your typiclature

ok well im leaving. choose a day fool, like Thurs-Sun, or Wed - Sun? I dk. whatever days you have off, hopefully the weekend mostly

we will go to the beach

and bask in the rays of the ozone

hole

4:07 PM go to new orleans

GaryFOOF: Sounds awesome. Cool. alright fool, have a blessed evening, filled with humid, infectious, air borne diseases.

me: paint the city brown

GaryFOOF: LOL

me: sure

thanks

you too

GaryFOOF: We'll be brown stars

me: gallery

GaryFOOF: You first though

LOL

galleria

pavilion

me: seriously goodbye

GaryFOOF: bye now

Crab Country

listen
this is not a test
warning
yesterday i went to the beach
i laid in the sand and realized
it's way too hot to play now
then i thought to myself
i will wait
and i napped
and i woke
and was surrounded by crabs
little ones
big ones
beady eyes sideways walker crabs
were they coming to get me?
i observed
until the ache in my neck went away
and my face dropped in the sand
and i was paralyzed
and the worst part was
i still didn't know
what they were after
were they coming to get me?
imobile in the sand
sideways slow
backwards crab fast!
kaKAW!
the sound of a hungry gull
FREEZE! said king crab
and the gull detected nothing
and flew away
activity again!
they move from hole to hole
and scurry back and forth
and that's when i knew
it's not me they want
this here is crab country!

Pump 'N' Munch, GIT IT RIGHT

Jesse Hanrahan, this is my gift to you. You know what's next? That's right, it's the ...


fraggin' Pump 'n' Munch in shady Minneapolis! Drew Grennier, don't hate me because I'm easily entertained.

Moth Froth

Just a Friday morning Vertical-Turticle

ALL HAIL REPTICON.

Love Letter to Jarf

even YOUR foolish games have put an entire species on the brink of extinction. it pleases me veddy veddy much to read that you are no longer a burning fire-pit of hot, tarry RAGE, and I am sorry to assume that just because you are not responding to my messages for many many days in even the slightest way/shape/form that you are angry with the all powerful allah's creation that is presently me. i could think of no worse punishment in the world then to abandon a j-rab for multi-purpose adhesive spray and all other flamable office kindling without knowing why. But now that I know why, who, how, where, when, and what you coordinates are, brought to me in part by Google Lattitude, TM 2009, and I have access to your phone, text, email, messenger, bank account, etc, I do not believe we should ever miss eachother again, not even for one single moment. Please be advised that I'll be WATCHING YOU!

But for real, anyways, you should SEE the TEXT MESSAGES that XXXXX sent me last night. EVEN THEY were rude enough to make me literally TURN OFF MY PHONE. And today I have texted him in response saying- you are a VERY LOST LITTLE LAMB, and I AM GOING TO EAT YOU!! WHAT a EGG Sucka. Hey, I just thought of a new, swell sounding word- suacka. It is actually a dish consisting of human blood and bone, originating in Kewaskum, WI by the Trailer People. Served mostly at meal times, and special ocassions, it is followed by a traditional dance that they like to call GIT RID THUH EVIDENCE!

K. I miss you, and I LOVE YOU, as well as the rest of the fools of saudi j-arabia.

Thine Swine

GaryFOOF: OH JESUS, GOD OF MERCY!!!!!!!
Hey how
Mao Ze Dong
me: im glad you're here. we've been waiting for you.
GaryFOOF: oh
me: now, Gare, theres something we've been really meaning to talk to you about.
why dont you come in?
go ahead, just take a seat. we're here to help.
GaryFOOF: This chair is cold...and damp.
Smells like cabbage
me: never mind that, all of our chairs have unique, special characteristics
like mine, for example, is literally constructed from jebediah's old fashioned moth balls, and so, it smells like mothballs.
you see?
GaryFOOF: I thought I smelled mama's cookin
me: your's can be special too if you just search in the right places, like your heart
like your heart worm monthly chewable
GaryFOOF: Well, if you say so. But I guess I'm more concerned about this 9 foot intestinal worm.
I've lost a lot of weight, doc.
And I think it may be feeding on my brain.
It's real hard to think...and I can't reme...
me: i knew a man once...
wait,
what was i saying?
GaryFOOF: Who are you? What are these eletrodes doing attached to my face?
OH GOD NO!!!!!!!!!!!!
me: hahah exactly
we should get married
GaryFOOF: (Squeeling)
(Children's laughter)
me: i dont ever want to have to actually explain that joke to anyone, EVER, and with you, i know, since we take the same meds, the silence betwixt us will be the best of times
GaryFOOF: LOLOL, precisely
me: and i know ur probably gay and everything, but i think i can learn to deal with that
i can make you happy!
I KNOW IT!!!
GaryFOOF: As long as we can forever share...
the nude photos of your boyfriends
me: whatever you want!
GaryFOOF: That's what I like to hear!!! I am
SO FUCKING EXCITED
to come see thine
PORPOUS
COLONIAL
me: thine swine
GaryFOOF: lol
me: how do you spell ces pool?
is that right
GaryFOOF: close
cesspool
me: oh, were u googling it? or did you ask your brother?
GaryFOOF: I googled my brother, and asked him.
me: hahahahahha
fuck
in
ha
!
GaryFOOF: LOL
We're made for each other. And those moth balls were made for cookin
me: haha
seriously. i can't live without you. you had me at intestinal worm.
hey where is Sarah these days
GaryFOOF: I find that my only desire is to share everything with you, my memories, drugs, intestinal parasites. It's all so....SICK
She's on a plane
RIGHT NOW
me: to where
hates?
GaryFOOF: I was going to pick her up until i realized
that I had better things to do
Like....
nothing.
She's flying into Ohare
Finally back from the rotting mouth capital of the world
LONDON
me: why? can't find a job in hates? i read her facebook shiz sometimes, and i am hoping she doesnt get real sick of england, what she thought used to be cool, is now just in plain sight-- a cesspool
GaryFOOF: LOL exactly!
That's exactly how she feels
me: like, it seems cool and it seems cosmopolitan.
GaryFOOF: she HATES it there
so, shamwow
She said she's going to try and save enough money while she's here to buy her and Mohammed a house in england.
she has a english degree
me: Well, I'm sure she will make friends there, and an English degree is good. My degree is in Spanish, so I put it into a freezer bag, and left the freezer in the trunk of my car, and parked my car at an airport in africa.
GaryFOOF: LOLOL. We should visit. England. and then Africa.
me: HA
GaryFOOF: I'm glad we agree
me: ballin
GaryFOOF: LOLOL
I know that's right
me: we should start a fortune telling booth
your dad probably has some decorative turbans, huh
GaryFOOF: Ancient holy turbans, encrusted with
crust
and unwashed indian hair
me: OHHHHH SSO SICK
SO SO SICK
GaryFOOF: LOL
me: save it for future generations to birth children into
quite literally
GaryFOOF: LMAO
Litrally
me: SPQULASH!
GaryFOOF: LOLOLOL
SPLOOOOOOSH!
(Children screaming)
me: thats hilAR
GaryFOOF: Agreed.
WE NEED TO MAKE VIDEOS
AND SELL THEM TO SCHOOL CHILDREN
me: i thought of this the other day, a good skit idea, but primarily a biz idea.
GaryFOOF: Skit biz
biz shat
me: my mom could make instructional cooking videos for the mentally hanidcapped. like, be independent!
jaredshah: LMAO
LMAO
me: and, well, we could brainstorm
haha
im glad you LYAO
leeow
GaryFOOF: LOL That is a classic vlassic
Wow, after Jebus left me, I never thought I'd love again. And then I met you.
And it was good
ripe
tender
and just below the surface
it was spoiled and parasite ridden
me: pickpack, how come you didn't pick Sarah up for real?
GaryFOOF: HOLy UnCle of Mercy. We're going to have a ball
of turle wax
because I have prior commitments at 1. And quite honestly, I didn't want to drive down to Chi town.
me: yeah
for
tom
foolery
up to no good, huh
oh
well,
thats deep
really
really
um
...
crazy
as well as interesting and intelligent
garyFOOF: LMAO, foo you know what it is.
me: LMAOANDSTUFF
ANDOTHERSTUFF

norwack
garyFOOF: Cracked out. Anyway, I should get going anyway. But I'm glad we could share in this sickness, because it was too much for any one person to bear the weight of.
me: espionage
yeah
thanks
GaryFOOF: LOL
Sorry
me: yep
GaryFOOF: but I love you
me: k, tgif
i guess
i love you too
call me later or something so we can scream at eachother over the phone
GaryFOOF: and i anxiously await your face trap.
Okay fool
Bye now!
me: bye
GaryFOOF: NNNOOOOOWWWWW!!!