You ever have those days when you feel stewpider than everyone you meet? Like, damn, I didn't go to an ivy league school, and I don't have my own million dollar firm. And then you realize that into the night you're actually not as stewpid as they/you thought. Then you start thinking you're really quite intelligent. Then you start thinking you're good looking and intelligent. Then you become lonely, because nobody can ever meet your standards, and you curl up in the fetal position and crap yourself? Well, this happened to me last night. Except, instead of the fetal position, I did a back bend and crapped in my own mouth.

(I just found this written on my computer, and I'm not quite sure what to make of it...but I think there just might be something to it.)

Men of Great Ignance

GaryFOOF: SKAT

LeslieChallenged: that smells

8:07 PM even i smell like skat. beebop shoowop

GaryFOOF: When was the last time u spoke with Jwarlock? Is he still ignant?

8:08 PM LeslieChallenged: ignant? well, im not quite sure what that means, but i will assume it means retarted

the last time i talked to him was the time i told him to GET THE FACK OUT OF MY CAR!!!!!!!!!

i guesss that's not really funny

8:09 PM GaryFOOF: Haha, it is

LeslieChallenged: what forth doth thine implore

8:10 PM GaryFOOF: Just thinkin about him. Your boys are gone! Find a new one. NOW!!!

LeslieChallenged: god i know.

but im too busy...doing...some things.

makin...stuff

8:11 PM ya know, i felt like i was on sex and the city last night. except i was at walmart...erg...but the feeling was still the same.: wow! it was totally obvious im single just by the tiny basket and the goods in it

8:14 PM ok, this is totally off, well, pretty much everything anywhere, but im kinda most interested in thine fabled Portico Zavel

8:18 PM GaryFOOF: Oh baby. Yeah, I LOVE being on my own. So freeing

8:19 PM LeslieChallenged: wait...but...thats not the point...at all

8:22 PM GaryFOOF: Oh

Well, it's my point.

LeslieChallenged: detard

jk

GaryFOOF: The greatest jew of all

So...

8:23 PM K

8:24 PM LeslieChallenged: so

didnt you HEAR ME?

check one- yes or no. did you ever think he was hot?

8:25 PM GaryFOOF: Huh?

Oh

Um, I can't put a crust with the face trot

LeslieChallenged: hahah

GaryFOOF: So who's to say?

Mountainjew

A jew good men

8:39 PM LeslieChallenged: the men who stare at jews

8:40 PM GaryFOOF: Lol sick, what is that about?

LeslieChallenged: i dont know. it just came out, jewlock

GaryFOOF: I just saw some shiz ad on the dubya dubya dubya dot com

8:43 PM LeslieChallenged: ok

GaryFOOF: K

LeslieChallenged: how are u and Jorey Jore

GaryFOOF: He's got a pretty fancy cap

8:47 PM The fanciest of them all

We're ghey

Hahahaha

LeslieChallenged: hhahahhha

YEAH

GHEYAH

GaryFOOF: No, actually he just called me to let me know that he passed his last class with flying colors!

8:48 PM LeslieChallenged: well praise the good lord

the mexican lord

GaryFOOF: Indeed

He busted his ghey azz

8:49 PM Oh

I mean

LeslieChallenged: good

GaryFOOF: K

LeslieChallenged: well now what

ya know

GaryFOOF: Now he settles into old age

Hahahaha

LeslieChallenged: for really

GaryFOOF: No, he's off to pursue his hobbies

LeslieChallenged: like

GaryFOOF: Hopefully for financial gain

8:50 PM LeslieChallenged: what hobbies

8:51 PM GaryFOOF: Singing, script writting, just things he really enjoys doing. Just relax for a bit, figure it out along the way

Gheywardly

8:52 PM LeslieChallenged: well...ok

i guess.

we all like to do that of course.

8:53 PM and im glad he finished, and he deserves for a bit to do gheyward activities. since he finished n all

8:57 PM GaryFOOF: Right, don't get me wrong. I've asked the same question. What are you plans? He says he has them. I tust.

Quite literally

8:58 PM He just needs to hurry his azz up

Flip some flapjacks

Cracklin on the grill

Your mother met Smokey robinson once

8:59 PM K

Ty

Flag Man

Every town has them, crazies. In Hartford, Wisconsin, where I grew up, there was, and still is, a 400 pound Native American-looking woman, Veronica, who I consider Hartford's finest. She would come to the pool every day where I worked just to hang out to the teenage lifeguards. She would talk to them continuously about how she was on a new diet, covering topics from what she already ate that morning, to what she planned to eat as soon as her son got back from the concession stand. Yes, she had a teenage son, and when their powers combined- I am Super Water Displacement! Her son was also fatter than your average minivan, and although he probably wasn't...er...handicapped, I'm sure he must have been in all the special-ed classes. I suppose that's what a crankshaft compulsive eating habit, live in the dark, antisocial upbringing will do to you. Weird as hell. So the two of them would have their fun, annoying anyone and everyone who crossed their poor forelorn paths, and when the pool would close in the evening, the two of them would get into their rusted out purple Buick with plastic Wal-Mart spinners and drive off into the sunset.

The Hartford pool has a good, long list of mentionables, which I can get to another time. And I won't get into the old guy from Hartford that rides his bike around all day smoking cigars. All day. Never stops pedaling, never runs out of fine convenient store tobacco.

And here's one that has national acclaim, go ahead, see for yourself.

I used to live in Chicago, and there was a man who built a real working puppet show and mounted it to his bike and drove around Lincoln Park and other downtownish areas long after dark, and only in the dark, running the shows. People would talk about it from time to time on the radio, but I SAW IT! I saw it before I knew of his reputation, and that shiz was crazy.

And finally, arriving at today's inspiration, I may be the first person to be explaining this guy in the picture. Pensacola, Florida, man in Coke bottle glasses, blaze orange construction vest, head phones, and a stick mounted with two small American flags that look like they've been extracted from a graveyard. I've seen him on three different highways, holding his stick in front of him, literally galloping through traffic, one foot in front of the other, and never changing his hop-step. I don't know who let him out, but his patriotism gets me every time.

Let us not forget about the shipwrecked shrimpin' boat cap'n who's rigged his bicycle up to a lawnmower engine, and noisily rides about town in his white and gold emblem captain hat, his hairy white chest exposed to the salty sea wind through his blue Hawaiian shirt, and his long white beard flapping in the wind. He carries a pizza box on the front basket of his bike, which makes him look legit.

Not in this Particular Order