A Few of My Favorite Things

"If you're not nice, Santa will leave a Mongolian in your stocking" -Tony Marzucco

"I jewed it up again" -Jarhole Shahzizhallah

"These Norwalks just ain't up to the mog" -Jarflap Shalala

"We'd have to dump him off in the city, never to barnlog him again" - me about Corey

BACKCHAT

GaryFOOF: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

me: yo

3:21 PM where are u im bored

GaryFOOF: at work, talking w/ imbecile mechanics

me: well give it a rest

3:22 PM thats enuf!

GaryFOOF: Yeah, just finished, praise allahuakbar

me: i hear ya brotha

im gonna foof this jant

3:23 PM GaryFOOF: DAMNATION!!! I wish I had a whag's worth. But I sold it to orphan annie.

me: jhhaha

i tell you

3:24 PM GaryFOOF: LOL, tell it to the mounatin! How have you been? How is Tomer's wang tang clan?

3:26 PM me: oh its fine. how are YOU

3:27 PM GaryFOOF: Fine, manically depressed, as my body resembles that of a 12 year old vietnamese school girl.

me: oh thats too bad

when

r u

coming to my

3:28 PM crab

shack

snacksack

3:29 PM backchat

GaryFOOF: F! I can't decide on a date. I'm nervous about interferring with me ol school. Should I come at the end of this month?

me: idk

idcare.just make is snappy

3:30 PM slappy

decide

buy

buy

buy

GaryFOOF: LOL

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY

me: investigate which days will cost you less government cheese

GaryFOOF: Yeah, I suppose. Okay, I shall, and it was good.

3:31 PM me: hurry?

the beach

the

uh

alambamans

the

armadillas

the

floor space

GaryFOOF: LOL more alambaminians watch news channel 7

3:32 PM me: hahah

liked aboriginies

alabamavan

get in one today

GaryFOOF: God I miss you. I instantly feel gratification after speaking with thine shallot.

3:33 PM me: gosh Garivan, i dont know what to type

GaryFOOF: Nor do I, I'm at a loss of gas.

3:34 PM How is your swedish meatball?

me: well, i'm thinking about getting metal legs. it's a risky operation, but it'll be worth it..

GaryFOOF: LOLOL

LMAO

3:35 PM LOL done

me: stop

what if we typed

stop

like

stop

this

stop

what if we talked like this

GaryFOOF: How is thine putrid corn wash

stop

3:36 PM me: 01.101.111.001.101.

stop

GaryFOOF: LOL, that'd be sweeter than swedish k-bop

me: greath

i can HEAR you screaming

GaryFOOF: LOL

me: in my head. when i read your typiclature

ok well im leaving. choose a day fool, like Thurs-Sun, or Wed - Sun? I dk. whatever days you have off, hopefully the weekend mostly

we will go to the beach

and bask in the rays of the ozone

hole

4:07 PM go to new orleans

GaryFOOF: Sounds awesome. Cool. alright fool, have a blessed evening, filled with humid, infectious, air borne diseases.

me: paint the city brown

GaryFOOF: LOL

me: sure

thanks

you too

GaryFOOF: We'll be brown stars

me: gallery

GaryFOOF: You first though

LOL

galleria

pavilion

me: seriously goodbye

GaryFOOF: bye now

Crab Country

listen
this is not a test
warning
yesterday i went to the beach
i laid in the sand and realized
it's way too hot to play now
then i thought to myself
i will wait
and i napped
and i woke
and was surrounded by crabs
little ones
big ones
beady eyes sideways walker crabs
were they coming to get me?
i observed
until the ache in my neck went away
and my face dropped in the sand
and i was paralyzed
and the worst part was
i still didn't know
what they were after
were they coming to get me?
imobile in the sand
sideways slow
backwards crab fast!
kaKAW!
the sound of a hungry gull
FREEZE! said king crab
and the gull detected nothing
and flew away
activity again!
they move from hole to hole
and scurry back and forth
and that's when i knew
it's not me they want
this here is crab country!

Pump 'N' Munch, GIT IT RIGHT

Jesse Hanrahan, this is my gift to you. You know what's next? That's right, it's the ...


fraggin' Pump 'n' Munch in shady Minneapolis! Drew Grennier, don't hate me because I'm easily entertained.

Moth Froth

Just a Friday morning Vertical-Turticle

ALL HAIL REPTICON.

Love Letter to Jarf

even YOUR foolish games have put an entire species on the brink of extinction. it pleases me veddy veddy much to read that you are no longer a burning fire-pit of hot, tarry RAGE, and I am sorry to assume that just because you are not responding to my messages for many many days in even the slightest way/shape/form that you are angry with the all powerful allah's creation that is presently me. i could think of no worse punishment in the world then to abandon a j-rab for multi-purpose adhesive spray and all other flamable office kindling without knowing why. But now that I know why, who, how, where, when, and what you coordinates are, brought to me in part by Google Lattitude, TM 2009, and I have access to your phone, text, email, messenger, bank account, etc, I do not believe we should ever miss eachother again, not even for one single moment. Please be advised that I'll be WATCHING YOU!

But for real, anyways, you should SEE the TEXT MESSAGES that XXXXX sent me last night. EVEN THEY were rude enough to make me literally TURN OFF MY PHONE. And today I have texted him in response saying- you are a VERY LOST LITTLE LAMB, and I AM GOING TO EAT YOU!! WHAT a EGG Sucka. Hey, I just thought of a new, swell sounding word- suacka. It is actually a dish consisting of human blood and bone, originating in Kewaskum, WI by the Trailer People. Served mostly at meal times, and special ocassions, it is followed by a traditional dance that they like to call GIT RID THUH EVIDENCE!

K. I miss you, and I LOVE YOU, as well as the rest of the fools of saudi j-arabia.